Halliwell Bereavement Support
Bereavement support groups offer friendship and advice to help people cope with grief
Step by Step founder Maria Holton and trained CRUSE counsellor Richard Lockwood offer bereavement support to families. They are pictured at an annual Christmas candlelit church service, organised by our funeral arrangers, to remember those who have passed away.
Some people find sharing their feelings with others is the best way to come to terms with the death of somebody they love. This is why we assist several groups which offer bereavement support, providing invaluable comfort for people struggling to get over the loss of a relative or friend.
At our Heath Hayes funeral home, we host the Open Arms group which meets in one of our rooms every Thursday. Anyone is welcome to come along and talk to others who have experienced similar emotions.
Backed by the resources and caring ethos of the Tamworth Co-operative Society, we also fund the activities of the Step by Step group which mainly works with bereaved parents. Both organisations are open to anyone.
The following articles about Open Arms and Step by Step were published in the media.
How the Open Arms group is helping bereaved people to laugh again
Members of an independent bereavement support group in Heath Hayes say sharing their pain has helped to rebuild their lives. Some members of ‘Open Arms’ even claim that without the support they received they might well have taken their own lives.
They now want to reach out to more people who feel they are drowning in a sea of grief. PHIL SHANAHAN attended a meeting at the Halliwell House Funeral Home and discovered that laughter plays as big a part as tears during a typical group session.
How the Open Arms group is helping bereaved people to laugh again
Open Arms bereavement friendship group facilitator Val Brabazon (third from left) pictured with (from l-r) Ivy Wilcox, Margaret Webster, Paul Laurence, Julie Gardiner, Bill Galvin, former Deputy General Manager of Halliwell funeral division, and Lynda Jones.
The youngest member of the Open Arms bereavement support group is just 20 years old and needed help after a friend committed suicide. The oldest is a pensioner who finds life difficult to cope with, having lost her husband after 52 years of marriage.
There are currently around a dozen members and all have been devastated by the death of a relative or a friend. But although death is the common theme, laughter often follows tears.
The group was formed in 2012 as a branch of CRUSE, but members decided to become an independent friendship group operating in a less structured way.
Group facilitator Val Brabazon is a trained expert who has won awards for her work. She says people tend to experience the same stages of grief including shock and acceptance, but some take far longer than others to heal.
“Recovery also depends on the type of death their loved ones suffered,” said Val
“For example, a sudden death, or the death of somebody very young, can take much longer to accept.”
Several core members have attended Open Arms from the beginning, but new people also come and go for however long they feel necessary. The oldest members have become expert in the grieving process and have a lot of skills and experience to pass on.
One such person is Julie Gardiner, from Chadsmoor, who lost her daughter Kelly from cancer at just 22.
“When I first came here I was extremely angry – I hated the world,” she said.
“Coming here turned my life around. I have discovered who Julie is again.”
Val says Julie now acts as her right-hand person:
“When I first met Julie she was in a very agitated state. She’s experienced a lot of the stages of grief but with furious intensity. Looking back I’ve seen a major change in her since she started attending Open Arms. I remember one of the key moments was when she told us she had at last started to listen to music again.”
Lynda Jones, of Wimblebury, understands the pain Julie experienced. Her 39-year-old daughter Sharon died after suffering a blood clot in her heart. It was a double tragedy as Sharon was pregnant at the time of her death.
Lynda believes attending the group was one of the best decisions she has ever made:
“When I first came here, I felt suicidal,” she said.
“I had lost a daughter – and at the same time a grandchild – and only a year after losing my mum. My husband also suffers from Alzheimer’s and epilepsy. Life has been very difficult, but this group keeps me going. The support I have received from everybody here has helped me to come to terms with my grief, although I still have my moments. It’s also given me a social life because we do various things together such as going to restaurants, the theatre and the cinema. Despite everything I’ve learnt to laugh again.”
Ivy Wilcox, from Heath Hayes, lost her husband Doug to Creutz-Jakob Disease two years ago. They had been married for 44 years. She says she tries hard not to cry at home because of upsetting other members of the family, but felt she needed an emotional outlet.
“I can cry here and that has helped. Mind you I laugh more than cry these days! At one time things got so bad I considered taking tablets. That’s how sad I felt, but in the end I didn’t have the guts to do it. Coming to this group has been a life saver for me.”
Paul Laurence says he spent a year hardly ever leaving his Hednesford home following the death of his wife Joy.
The couple had only been married for nine years when she lost her battle with cancer.
Paul describes Open Arms as his ‘lifeline.’
“I sometimes think I wouldn’t be around if it wasn’t for these people,” he explained.
“The group is so friendly and people are all really nice. The important thing for me is being able to talk. Coming here has had a massive effect on me. I now go out all the time and we go out together as a group too.”
Margaret Webster had been married for 52 years when her husband Walter died. She says she felt crippled by loneliness with nobody else in the house.
“The dark nights are the worst times, but I now know I have a place to go regularly where I can meet and talk to people. That has been a great help.”
Val says anybody is welcome to join the self-help group no matter where they live.
“We have an open door policy here. All we ask for is a donation towards refreshments. At the moment that works out at 50p per week.
“We are extremely grateful to Halliwell Funeral Services because they have been absolutely brilliant to us. They give us a room for a whole day every week and it’s completely free of charge. I can’t thank or praise them enough, because they also made it clear that this group is for everybody – not just for the people who have organised funerals with them.
Open Arms hosts group sessions in the morning and when necessary 1-1 meetings can be organised in the afternoon.
“If you are suffering because a loved one has died, please come along no matter where you live,” added Val.
“You will be made to feel most welcome.”
Val says the group is run on a democratic basis with members deciding how things proceed. However, there is one fundamental rule. Whilst people are encouraged to express their feelings at the meetings, they are asked not to mention their grief during social events.
“There are times we need to put our grief to one side and enjoy our outings together,” she explained.
Bill Galvin* is deputy general manager of the Tamworth Co-operative Society’s funeral division which runs the Halliwell funeral home.
“I remember when I lost my own mother I had a strong feeling there was nothing after the funeral was over,” he said.
“I just felt a great sense of emptiness about that. We are very happy to accommodate the Open Arms group because we like to give something back to the community. This is the first time I have attended a meeting and I have now seen for myself what goes on. I must say it was an absolute privilege to be in the same room and hear what these people had to say.
“Open Arms is now very much part of the community and it’s inspiring to hear how people have benefited from the strength they have drawn from each other under Val’s guidance. People should not be afraid to ask for help because support is at hand here.”
If you need help getting over the death of a loved one, call Val Brabazon on 07503 178621 or Halliwell House Funeral Home on 01543 459200. Alternatively, simply turn up at one of the Open Arms sessions which are held at Halliwell House in Hednesford Road, Heath Hayes from 11am-12.30pm every Thursday.
*Bill Galvin has retired since this article was published.
Step by Step group offers a lifeline to parents who have lost a child
The unbearable pain of losing a child can drive parents to behave in ways they could never previously have imagined.
A Stonydelph mum on hearing the news that her son had died in an accident pinched herself so hard ‘to wake herself up’ that she still bears the scars from her fingernails seven years later. She had his ashes placed in a teddy bear so he can still be present at family events and even be included on the photographs.
Step by Step group offers a lifeline to parents who have lost a child
(From l-r) Funeral staff Kat Bishop and Sue Owen are pictured with Step by Step founder Maria Holton and trained CRUSE counsellor Richard Lockwood. The picture was taken after the group was presented with marketing materials, courtesy of the Tamworth Co-operative Society.
Another local mother says she goes without food at times to fund a constant stream of flowers for her son’s grave. One parent even spent a night in a cemetery because she couldn’t bear to be separated from her child.
Typically parents who have experienced such a devastating loss are showered with love from friends and colleagues. But often they can only be truly comforted by people who have been through the same hell. Only these people fully understand why they feel and behave like they do.
That’s why Maria Holton, a mother of five, decided to set up a support group for bereaved parents in the Tamworth area.
Her life was turned upside down seven years ago when her middle son David died in a quad bike accident at the age of 20.
Maria says she simply could not cope with her loss. Prescribed drugs failed to quell her agony and there was no specialist support group for miles around.
Then she became friends with Gill Price, a Stonydelph woman whose son Daniel had died suddenly from an undiagnosed heart defect a year before David’s death. Their sons had been best mates and their tragic deaths made the two mums form a special bond.
“David was a pallbearer at Gill’s son’s funeral and she is now my rock,” said Maria who in turn has become a pillar of strength to scores of suffering parents.
“I knew her before David died, but not very well. With Gill I don’t feel alone any more. We talk and talk. We experience the same pain and can share it. It’s something other people could never fully appreciate. The death of a child is different to losing parents or grandparents. You never get over the grief, but you can learn to put it in a box at times and shut the lid on it for a while.”
Maria made it her mission to start a local support group in memory of David. She approached St Martin’s Church in Ellerbeck, Stonydelph and was pointed in the direction of Richard Lockwood, a fellow Stonydelph resident who is a trained CRUSE counsellor.
Richard was an ordained minister and the church kindly offered them a free room to meet once a month. With the blessing of CRUSE, the Step by Step support group grew from there.
Step by Step has been running for three years, helping bereaved parents from all over the Tamworth area. It is independent from the church and there is no attempt to influence members on religious matters.
Gill Price has attended from day one. Her son Daniel was 20 when he died in his sleep. She says anybody who has lost a child should not hesitate to pick up the telephone and make contact.
“The hardest part is opening up for the first time, but there is no pressure on anybody to do or say anything until they feel ready. We help each other and when you are doing that you are not thinking about yourself all the time. It’s not about moping about all the time either, sometimes we have a good laugh together.”
Members have even managed to laugh about what grief has made them do. A lack of concentration is a common symptom and creates a number of mishaps. One member caused great hilarity recently when she made a trifle with radishes instead of strawberries. Everybody found it funny… but at the same time they all understood the reason it happened.
Step by Step regulars range from a 21-year-old woman who lost her baby daughter to a pensioner struggling to get over the loss of his middle-aged son. As Maria says, “it’s still your child no matter how old he or she is – the pain remains raw.”
Stacey Kane, the youngest member, says she turned into a different person when her daughter Ava died 18 hours after she was born. She was aware of the group’s existence at the time, but couldn’t stand the thought of attending until at least a year later.
Her partner Adam Gurney attends with her and has noticed a big change in her behaviour recently.
“I also understand her issues better having listened to what people say here,” he said.
Stacey believes that without the support of the group she would never have been able to recently donate all her baby belongings to a local good cause.
“It was the right thing to do. I couldn’t keep all that stuff forever, but previously I couldn’t bear to part with any of it – even the nappies. I’m not over this – it’s not something you can ever properly get over, but coming here has helped a lot. It’s very welcoming and you are with people who understand how you feel.
“Coming to the group has helped me to deal with things. I’m learning to let go more and have started to pick up my life again.”
Tina Larvin has attended from the beginning. Her son Tom was killed in a car crash in Wales. He was a passenger in the vehicle and was just 21.
For years Tina has been consumed by shock, numbness and anger. She believes attending Step by Step has helped her deal with a crushing sense of isolation.
“When Tom was killed, the person I used to be was killed too,” she said.
“Before this group there was little support available. I got drugs from the doctor and was put on a waiting list to see a counsellor.
“I will never be the same person again. I just hibernated and lost interest in everything. Tom’s birthday is Christmas Day and his younger brother and I have not been able to celebrate Christmas since then. We don’t even acknowledge it now.
“You’re treated differently when you lose a child. People don’t know what to say to you and often ignore you. You just have bad days and worse days.
She added: “What people often fail to realise is that you are also hit hard financially. You can be off work for a long time, but still have a mortgage to pay. The funeral expenses can also be really hard to cope with. It doesn’t end there either – I could have bought Tom a car with the money I’ve spent on flowers since he died.
“My parents kindly paid for the funeral because I couldn’t afford to. The death of a child is devastating in so many ways. Nobody should have to choose a coffin for their son or daughter and know they will never see their grandchildren.”
While Tina admits her own progress has been painfully slow (“how do you cope with excruciating pain?”) she has recently rediscovered her love of gardening.
“I just left the garden to grow wild at first. I couldn’t care about it. Then we saw Alan Titchmarsh on the TV making a garden in memory of a family member and we started work on our own plot. It was terribly overgrown but now I’m getting obsessive about it and also growing things in the greenhouse again.”
Anybody is welcome to attend Step by Step sessions, no matter where they live or what type of bereavement they are suffering from. Meetings are generally held on the first Tuesday of the month, but it’s a good idea to make initial contact with Maria on 01827 895670 or Richard on 01827 738105. Step by Step members would like to offer a special thank you to St Martin’s Church for giving the group a free home and also to the Tamworth Co-operative Society for financial support with marketing.
“Those two organisations make it possible for us to continue helping bereaved parents,” said Maria.
“We’re extremely lucky – and very grateful – to have their backing.”
Download our Bereavement Support Guide
Please download our bereavement support guide below. It covers everything that needs to be done when someone dies and where to find help if you are struggling with grief.
